Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Because Some Stories Can't Be Told Without It.


This happened about 30 years ago before words that men use and words that men use around women had changed so much.  Now the following little story likely won't raise an eyebrow but here goes.  My wife (at the time) and I had friends that were a couple.  When the couple divorced, she became very social, going to every party she heard of.  From one of those parties, she related this story:

A guy came up to her and said, "You want to go somewhere and make love?"
She replied "hmmph, you wouldn't know the meaning of the word."
To which he replied, "I know the meaning of fucking, you wanna go somewhere and do that?"

The Talk

I talk to my cat all the time.  Usually it is stuff like:
"I put you some fresh water out.  You eat all your food, want some more?  Or, Leo come here."

Occasionally though I have to have a conversation with him about something that has been bothering me.  So one rainy day, I figured it was time to have the talk.

"Leo," I said, "I know cats don't have a long life span around here because of the wild dogs, coyotes, the wild dog coyotes and the occasional mountain lion and bear.  Still we probably should be socially responsible about this tom catting around you do all the time."
So Leo says, "Spit it out, what are you getting at?"
So I say, "We need to get you fixed."
Suddenly from his sluggish, half awake state, he springs fully awake.  "You mean cut 'em off?"  He asks incredulously.
"Yeah," I sheepishly reply.
"Fuck that!" he says.
So I say, "k, but I'm telling ya, if CorporateAmerica figures out a way to make loads of money off cat condoms, you gonna be wearing 'em."

So he says, "k" and goes back to cat napping.


My brother Junior made his living fixing cars and later diesel trucks.  I never recall him saying a curse word in his home or any of ours.  In his shop, it was a whole other world.  This is my favorite story:

Ulus Jarnigan was running for sheriff.  Ulus was not your typical sort of candidate for that job - in fact Ulus was not typical in any way.  Frankly he was kinda weird.  He came to the shop one day canvassing.  Junior was on a creeper under a vehicle.

Ulus:  Junior!  Roll out here I want to give you something.

Junior rolls the creeper out and Ulus hands him a card.

Junior:  candidate card.  CANDIDATE CARD!  Ain't 'cha got no fuck books?