Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Because Some Stories Can't Be Told Without It.


This happened about 30 years ago before words that men use and words that men use around women had changed so much.  Now the following little story likely won't raise an eyebrow but here goes.  My wife (at the time) and I had friends that were a couple.  When the couple divorced, she became very social, going to every party she heard of.  From one of those parties, she related this story:

A guy came up to her and said, "You want to go somewhere and make love?"
She replied "hmmph, you wouldn't know the meaning of the word."
To which he replied, "I know the meaning of fucking, you wanna go somewhere and do that?"

The Talk

I talk to my cat all the time.  Usually it is stuff like:
"I put you some fresh water out.  You eat all your food, want some more?  Or, Leo come here."

Occasionally though I have to have a conversation with him about something that has been bothering me.  So one rainy day, I figured it was time to have the talk.

"Leo," I said, "I know cats don't have a long life span around here because of the wild dogs, coyotes, the wild dog coyotes and the occasional mountain lion and bear.  Still we probably should be socially responsible about this tom catting around you do all the time."
So Leo says, "Spit it out, what are you getting at?"
So I say, "We need to get you fixed."
Suddenly from his sluggish, half awake state, he springs fully awake.  "You mean cut 'em off?"  He asks incredulously.
"Yeah," I sheepishly reply.
"Fuck that!" he says.
So I say, "k, but I'm telling ya, if CorporateAmerica figures out a way to make loads of money off cat condoms, you gonna be wearing 'em."

So he says, "k" and goes back to cat napping.


My brother Junior made his living fixing cars and later diesel trucks.  I never recall him saying a curse word in his home or any of ours.  In his shop, it was a whole other world.  This is my favorite story:

Ulus Jarnigan was running for sheriff.  Ulus was not your typical sort of candidate for that job - in fact Ulus was not typical in any way.  Frankly he was kinda weird.  He came to the shop one day canvassing.  Junior was on a creeper under a vehicle.

Ulus:  Junior!  Roll out here I want to give you something.

Junior rolls the creeper out and Ulus hands him a card.

Junior:  candidate card.  CANDIDATE CARD!  Ain't 'cha got no fuck books?


  1. My shop teacher (and baseball coach) in HS would run his hand over a board a student had sanded and say "Smoother'n a cat's pussy."

  2. That's a good one! My Dad was a Baptist preacher so I was dang near grown before I heard any swearing. Once I did, it didn't take long to appreciate it. :)

  3. All my huntin dogs never had a choice. Later I regretted it quite a big a they were really good and I coulda shoulda bred them....;(

    1. I get into this thing later about having pets fixed a lot more on the Cat Tales blog. But I'll say here, I think there needs to be research and more options for pet birth control than just fixing them. I've personally had a bad experience with that and know of other cases.

      Thanks for the post!

  4. I felt bad getting my dog's balls chopped off, but he has the tiniest dog penis I've ever seen, so it's probably for the best. The lady dogs didn't want to see your 2nd belly button anyway, little buddy.

    1. Well, I dunno. You know what they say...it's not the size of the ship in the water but the motion of the boat in ocean.

      Seriously though, some dogs and cats seem to do just fine and some not. Trouble is there's no way of knowing until the deed is done.

  5. I read this with Charlie, my hound, lying as usual across my feet. Now that his balls have dropped, he's been getting into plenty of trouble recently and dragging his bleeding carcass home for me to stitch up. Yeah, I thought, maybe I should cut Charlie's balls off.

    'Charlie!' I calls out, whereupon he instantly leaps to his feet and then sits to attention, his tongue hanging out, brown eyes fixed on me oozing love, affection and loyalty.

    Could you say to a dog like that, 'I'm going to have yer tackle trimmed'?

    No. Neither could I. So having disturbed his kip, I gave him a Boerwors sausage instead.

    1. I hear ya Hippo. Leo gets hurt all time. It's puncture wounds mostly but there's a lot of ticks around here. Every day I get my glasses and flashlight and go over his body checking to see if the usually dozen or so scabs are wounds or ticks.

      Wild animals have gotten so prolific in this area lately, getting a pet fixed is a last priority, survival is number 1. But if I do have to get one fixed, I'll talk to the vet about a vasectomy or some procedure that is not so drastic.

  6. Cat condoms. Tricky design issue. Wouldn't the claws rip holes in 'em?

    1. Without a doubt unless the cat retracts his claws. He can do that if he wants just like the female can carry her babies by the scruff of the neck without harm. So that's a problem that could be overcome. Getting the cat to put 'em on is the 800 pound gorilla. Is it 800 or 900? ...can't ever remember...

  7. The main risk to a tomcat is from other tomcats. The biggest favour you could do your boy is hunt down the competition and kick their asses for him.

    P.S. An 800 pound gorilla is grossly overweight. 500 pounds is the max for a healthy mature silverback.

    1. Until yesterday I would have said, aww, he can take care of himself. Now I'm not so sure. He's got at least a dozen puncture wounds and 4 or 5 patches of fur missing. Also he's only gone out for a little bit at a time today and then wants back in.

      500 pounds eh? I'm going to remember that. People around here are still fond of saying the thing about an 800 pound gorilla in the room. From now on, I'm going to say nope, 500. 800 is grossly overweight. Thanks.